My father is alcoholic and has cancer.. Still drinks alcoholic, father, drinks, Still

I didn't know where to write this because it includes both alcoholism and cancer. But, the alcoholism is the main problem here so I'm writing here.

My alcoholic father announced that he had larynx cancer 6 months ago. It wasn't so surprising to me as I always wondered how he was still so healthy even after drinking and smoking in excessive amounts for years. My parents got divorced because of his drinking problem when I was 13. (I'm now 31) He could never hold a job as long as I remember. He was never a father to me, he basically wasted his life for alcohol and never admitted he had a problem. I still remember how emotionally and verbally abusive he was as a father and a husband when my parents were still married. He caused so much trauma to me as a child. I was always in contact with him after the divorce.

My uncle (his younger brother) contacted me because he didn't have insurance as he hasn't been working for years. I put him on my insurance so he could have his medication. We also donated money to my uncle so he could make sure he could get the best treatment. After this, my father called me and thanked many times. I told him it was okay and i wanted him to get well soon. He was put on chemotherapy. He then started coming at my work to ask me for money. He told me it was for his meds and he needed them urgently. He seemed drunk to us but didn't want to believe he would drink in such a situation. We handed him the money and he left. He did the same again after two weeks and i could clearly smell the alcohol on him this time. He was drinking again! What he asked for was not a very small amount to me. I called my uncle and asked if he really needed money for the hospital but he said  my father had been drinking and told me not to hand him any money because he was going to buy drinks with it. I can't explain how I felt when I found out. He was using his condition to get money for alcohol. He was using our kindness and good intentions. He knows i'm not rich and both my husband and me are working to pay the bills.

He now calls me or comes to my work every week and begs for money. It is apprearently always for his medication. I have to remind you that he doesn't need to pay that amounts of money for meds because he is covered in my insurance. We certainly can't give him 200$ every month as well. I tried to explain this to him but he still calls/visits and begs for money and since he is sick, I can't say no to him and give him some. This puts me in a very difficult position because I have to cut back on other expenses. It really bugs me because he was never a father to me, he has always been selfish, he was never there for me when I needed help and he only called or came to see me when he needed something, not to mention he ruined my childhood. He caused so much damage to me as a person and has no right to ask favours from me and I still tried to help him when he was sick. And he's using me. I can't handle this.

I don't know how to deal with him anymore. What should I do at this point? Things would be less complicated if he wasn't so sick. One part of me wants to tell him off and other part of me wants me to be nice to him because he is sick and dying. I no longer know what to do. My uncle from my mothers side knows about it all and told me to keep giving him reasonable amounts because it was too late for him and he was going to die whether or not he quit drinking at this point. (His cancer has already jumped to other parts of his body, he was too late to go to a doctor) He said this can be the last thing I do for him before he dies because he is not a normal person. He needs the alcohol to live. I try to give him reasonable amounts but he says he needs more. In fact, I gave him 50$ last week (and he later called me completely drunk to say thanks) and 30$ today (he calls or visits every week to ask for money) and he said he needed at least 60$ and expects me to give him the rest tomorrow. I can't keep doing this!! Please advise.. What should I say to him or what is the right thing to do?

I am very sorry about your situation. It sounds like you have traveled a hard road with your father. My own grandfather on my dad's side is a man I never knew, though he didn't die until I was 16. My father chose to cut himself off from this man due to his alcoholism and abusiveness towards my father while he had to live at home.
I have a lot of alcoholism in my family. The word to describe what you are doing is enabler, and trust me, the person you are enabling doesn't care one whit what they are doing to you. He is manipulating you and using you and you are enabling him. Time to say NO and that is final. You never know, but you might be driving him to an earlier grave by supplying his alcohol. Offer to find him a treatment program, find him a support group, whatever, but you won't be able to make him quit. Perhaps if he hits rock bottom (which he CAN'T do if others are supplying what he thinks he needs) he will come around.
You are helping with the health coverage and that needs to be ALL you do. Don't contribute any more cash (offer to buy groceries or put gas in his car) but tell him you will not contribute to the disease that is responsible for killing him.
Time for tough love. Do not enable this man. Compare it to what the experts say to do if you have an alcoholic spouse that comes in the door and pukes and passes out in it in the middle of the floor. Experts tell you to leave that person lying in it (with the exception being if they need medical intervention) to deal with on their own when they come to. Don't move them, don't clean them up. Let them experience the fallout of their problem. I am sure there are others here with more experience with alcoholism, but the bottom line is, enabling him isn't helping him or you.
I wish you luck. What a difficult situation you are in.

Olin, I am so sorry to hear about your situation.  My father was an alcoholic too.  Are you an only child?  I am, which made it all the more difficult, because there was no one to share my angst with.

Your father is clearly playing on your sympathy.  It's such a shame that you tried to do a good thing, despite the fact he wasn't a great Dad to you, but he's taking advantage and manipulating you.  And it's not helping that your uncle is making you feel guilty for wanting to cut him off.  I agree with ReD's advice that you just have to say no and stick to it.  If the uncle feels so bad, let him fund your father's drinking.  Do you talk to your father's doctors?  Do they know he's drinking while going through chemo?  I wouldn't think that would be allowed.  Or is he off treatment now because the cancer has spread?  If this is a terminal situation, I can understand your Dad just wanting to drink himself into oblivion, but you can't afford (literally) to enable that death-wish behavior.  Don't feel guilty about doing the right thing.  We're here for you.

the next right thing is to seek help for yourself. to educate youre selfs, you put upwith alot of abuse from him , is this how you want it of cource not, rememeber you have to take care of number 1 you, it sounds like you want do something about it , getting outside help for youeself, an for him if possible. but unless he is deperate to quit , he wont , like you wont stop being codependent until you had enough, dont be affraid to use tough love . or to get completly out of his life, an sometimes relashionships can be repaired. its lots of hard work. i am are recovering alcoholic.dont allow him to overmelm your lifeweather he was a good farther or not. you could try alalon it is a self help group for familys wifes fathers bros sisters, of alcoholics, what happens to codependents is they get sick to, i see it all the time we rubb off on them we hurt them we hurt ourselves, its a vicious cycle, but you can get help i am liveing proof, good luck you can do it

scott

Thank you all for your replies. You really helped me.

Yes, i am an only child. My mom got remarried and moved away when i was 20. She never wanted to do anything with my father after the divorce. I can't blame her because she wanted to help him many times but she was used just like me. He treated her really bad. So, I'm completely alone in this.

I don't know the current situation with his condition. My uncle (his brother)  took care of everything. I guess he also stopped caring after seeing he is a lost case. I can't blame him either. My father told me he was stopping chemo because it is making him weak and he can't go out of bed for a week after each session. He was getting one session every three weeks. He lies a lot to hide his addiction so i don't know if it was the decision of my father or his doctor. His doctor might have stopped the sessions after discovering he had been drinking and he twisted the truth to hide this fact from me. I really don't know what happened. He was always in denial. He had this imaginary world where he was the center of attention. He had a great job and he was the best worker of the company. He appearently had many girlfriends. He told me he got chased by women a lot, i only met one of his girlfriends though and a few weeks later he told me she had died.. I run into her a few months later and she asked me how my father was. Tragic, right? He even told me i had a brother, who i never saw or talked and don't know if it is true or not. I guess all were a part of his denial.

This is a very sticky situation. I will have the guilt of giving a cancer patient alcohol if i do what my uncle says and i will still feel guilty of not helping my sick father if i do what you all say. I sometimes think what if he really needs the money for his medication. It is probably for sure he is dying because i saw him yesterday and he was in a very bad condition. He has gotten so skinny and he's even having trouble walking. It is hard to understand what he is saying because his voice is about to be gone completely. I don't want to see him like this anymore, it gives me pain. And he surely shouldn't be walking around like this when he doesn't need to go out and there are people taking care of him at home. (His brother and step mother)

My husband gave me an idea. He says i should tell my father to send me his prescription so i can get it filled personally or tell him to make my uncle call me if he really needs meds and  i will send money to my uncle instead of giving it to him directly. This way i will know where the money is going. Do you think i should tell this the next time he contacts me for money? It sounded reasonable to me but he will probably try to find excuses as to why this is not possible and i need to give him the money.

My dear girl, I strongly suggest you go online and find an al-anon group near you.  You will find so very much support there.  Everyone will be in the boat as you.  They helped me a great deal with my oldest son's alcoholism and my brother's addiction.  I never enabled them with money, but I needed to learn how to handle my feelings toward them, as well as what I should actually do.  In a nutshell, the advice was as extreme as if they vomit let them lie in it otherwise they'll never bottom out. Also, the thinking was that repeated suggestions to them to dry-out, clean-up, detox, etc., was falling on deaf ears after the first suggestion.

Keep us posted.

Olin, your story sounds so much like mine.  As I mentioned, I'm an only child too.  My father really caused a lot of upheaval in my childhood with his drinking, car accidents, fighting w/Mom, getting involved in illegal stuff....quite a manipulator.  My favorite (not) memory is when I was 16 or 17 -- it was Christmas Eve and we were going to get presents for my Mom....I knew something was wrong in their marriage so I asked him if he still loved her....he kind of gave me a non-answer, then I asked him if he loved someone else....and he said YES!  And proceeded to tell me about her, like a friggin teenage boy, and told me she wanted to meet me!  I went to bed crying that night, as my Mom was naively trimming the tree downstairs.  Next day, one of the pajamas we had bought for Mom was missing -- he gave me a wink....it was going to the girlfriend!  I could go on and on (there's WAY more messed-up and dramatic stuff later), but this isn't about me.  I just wanted to say....wow, I can't believe there are fathers who do this stuff to us.

I like your husband's idea of telling your father you'll get his meds, or take him to the pharmacy, or whatever....yet if he's anything like my father, he'll come up with a quick reason why that won't work.  You need to be prepared for that part.  I'm not as fond of the idea of sending the money to his brother, because he (your father) might say he never got it, and you won't really know for sure.  Keep us posted....and the Al-Anon group is a great support idea in the meantime....{{hugs}}.

First, I would tell My uncle from my mothers side to give your dad the money if he thinks that is the right thing to do but you are not doing it anymore.  It doesn't matter that dad is dying or it shouldn't be a reason to keep giving him a whole lot of money.  And if you have to get a restraining order then I would do that so that your dad can get into another part of the system that can deal with him.  My brother died of lung cancer....he never quit smoking/drinking and one time he called me to talk about him making out his Will.  I told him to not put my name anywhere on that Will because I knew that in the end he would die leaving our family in debt and I didn't want them coming after to me/us to pay for all the booze and smokes that he charged.  I wasn't mean or nasty to him just made it clear not to use my name on anything.  You tell your dad that you can't give him any more money because you are taking hard earned money out of your own family to enable him to drink and you need all your money so stop coming around and asking.  You don't owe a him anything and do you see anyone giving him fist full of dollars and in fact his own brother told you to stop yes? He can't help his brother if you keep giving and enabling your dad...so stop and let his brother deal with him...he is not your responsibility.  And never feel guilty about it...he isn't your responsibility.  It is nice you put him on your health insurance but you know companies are also looking at employees that are draining the company with too many medical issues so be careful about that. Good luck and I am sorry you have to deal with this but just say no.

i think its good that your getting it out, just stop complacateing things, worry about yourself , its what we call keeping it simple

keep trying

Sorry, I wasn't able to reply. I was out of city on holiday and didn't have access to the internet. I appreciate all the replies. You gave me strenght to do the right thing.

My father didn't call me whole week because he knew i was away. He will probably call me or show up at my work tomorrow and ask for more money. I don't want to turn him down completely if he really needs meds so i will just tell him to give me his prescription and i will get it for him and send to his home address by courier. If he says it is for the hospital, i will tell him to make his brother call me and tell me it is for the hospital personally. Even if he does this, i will not be handing the money to my father, i will give it to his brother because he's the one handling all finances related to his treatment. If he doesn't accept this either and try to find excuses, i will tell him that i'm not stupid and i know he's been drinking and i'm not giving him anymore money. I will also tell him to stop showing up at my work without calling first. I will try to be as nice as possible but this has to be done. If my uncle (from my mom's side) wants to give him money for alcohol, he should do it himself. I don't want to be a part of this anymore.

Thank you all again.. Just a quick update..

I actually researched a lot and educated myself on this issue, I now see our actions didn't really help my father. I remember mom would always clean up after him, she worked two jobs to make up for his lack of income, he could never realize he had a problem. He couldn't pay his rent for months after we left him and she even paid his back rent so he wouldn't go into jail! Of course, she thought she was helping him but it wasn't really helping anyone. I so understand this now. She never enabled him with money though but he started stealing from her purse or from my piggybank so he could get his drink. When he couldn't find any money, he would take stuff from our home to sell them for his drinks. So many of our stuff got lost this way. It was really sad.

I have to tell you i never really enabled him with money before he got sick. I guess it had to do with me not really feeling any love for him. He would often come to me and tell me he had no money to get back home. I would only give him a public bus ticket because i knew how he could lie and manipulate people to get alcohol. I grew up with him. I know every one of his tricks. However, things get complicated when the person you know gets really really sick.

Appearently my aunt had given him 20$ last week when i wasn't in the office. He came again today and told me he was getting some tests at the hospital and needed money. I told him i wasn't giving him any money unless my uncle called and confirmed it is really for the hospital. I was actually thinking he would try to manipulate me when i said that but he said I understand what you are saying He told me to call uncle because his phone wasn't working. I called my uncle and he confirmed he was getting some tests but said the money wasn't for the tests because my insurance would take care of it. He said he probably needed some money but told me not to give him anything more than 10$. So, i gave him 10$, he didn't try to raise the amount this time. I'd like to believe he was ashamed of himself but you can never know with alcoholics. I think he probably won't come as often now because he knows i'm no longer buying his i need money for meds act. But if he comes i won't be giving him anything more than 10$ just like my uncle said.

Well, Olin, I'm glad you checked in and that you're feeling a bit less stressed by the situation.  That said, it still sounds like you've got the same problems -- 1) your father is coming to your office and 2) asking you for money.  I thought his brother originally told you not to give him anything...?  Now he's saying give him ten bucks?  To me, $10 is not insignificant....he could probably buy quite a few bottles of cheap liquor with that.  It just seems like the uncles are encouraging you (not themselves) to fund your father's drinking and putting you in the middle of this mess.  

If you are at peace with the situation as it exists now (he shows up occasionally at work, you give him ten bucks), then that's fine....it is your life and your father, after all.  Looking at it as an objective party with my own manipulative alcoholic father, though, it seems like he is still manipulating and now his brother is throwing his hands up and saying, yeah give him money, just don't make it much.  I dunno if this is an improvement....well, stay strong and I hope your father gets the help he needs.

I don't think he will be coming anymore. I told him that if he needed something my uncle had to call me from now on. But, who knows? He might show up again. His brother said that he lost his job and unable to take care of my father properly right now, i guess this is why he wanted me to give him 10$. If he said not to give him any money, i would send him on his way, which was my intention to begin with. He is his responsibility after all.

Hi Olin

I have been reading your postings with great sympathy.  All issues aside, this is a father-daughter relationship.  I know it is causing you pain and hurt.  I just wanted to say that you are being what a daughter should be... someone who cares about her Dad and is trying to do the right thing.  You can not cure him, only care about him and it is obvious that you do.

Follow your heart.  Dad is not capable of giving of himself right now.  That does not mean he does not love you in his heart, only that in his present state he is not capable of being what he should (and probably wants to be).

Alcoholism hurts all the family. If it is not your intention to give him money, then don't. If he shows up, let him know you love him, but have no money for him. Dad, I love you, but I have no money for you.  I think you are torn.  Once you give him a gentle finality about money, I think you will rest easier.  You are not denying him love when you deny him money.

Dad is a sick man in many ways.  Please don't let him make you physically or spiritually ill.  

Take care
reach

Guys.. Just to let you know that my father passed away today. The last time i saw him was three weeks ago. I really feel bad that i couldn't see him one last time. I also feel bad for turning him down the last time i saw him. You can't imagine how bad i feel. We never had a good relationship but it will be weird not having him around. I'm trying to think that at least he'll no longer suffer.

Thank you all for your support.