A mom needs advice mom, needs, advice

My 21 year old daughter is in her senior year of college and I know she is hooked on oxycoton. She has cut off all contact with siblings and friends (ages 21 -30) and they have all seen the signs. I don't know what to do. Where can I go for help? I've been told she won't be able to be helped until she wants it herself, and she does nothing but deny. A friend of my son-in-law died last year from an overdose and I can't let this happen to my daughter.....especially since I know what's going on and I don't know what to do to stop it. Her 19 year old brother is going to try to talk to her, as her sisters and I have had no luck. What can I do? I will pay (somehow) for re-hab, but she has to want it, right? Other option is to involve the police, but that would mean jail and a record......still better than death. This is a good sounding board - if anyone has suggestions or advice, it would be truly appreciated.

Someone's Mom.

Sorry to hear about your situation.  Yes, you are right that until she realizes her problem there is little anyone else can do.  You can show her love and tell her that you will support her when she's ready for help.  Whatever you do, don't involve the police because it will sever the relationship between the two of you.  Plus, they probably would care less unless she's dealing the drug to other people.  She's an adult and she has to make the decision on her own no matter how much we (think we) know what is better for them.  It's a hard reality.  I hope that she comes to her senses and asks for help.  Good Luck.  Maybe someone else on the board has some ideas.

Thank you - It's just so hard to sit back and do nothing. I'm really scared....

I totally understand your fears as I am going through the same thing as you.  I have a 25 year old daughter who is an addict. She has lost everything, family, job, car.  I am also an addict with 7 months clean.  She came to us last week, wanting to come home, as she could no longer stay at her boyfriends parents house.  We told her she had to get some help, detox, rehab, therapy, whatever it takes, before she could come back.  She's not ready and until she is, there's nothing we can do to help.  I also worry about her ending up in jail, or OD'ing.  But it's out of our control.
Being an addict myself, I know all the signs.  The isolation, lying, cheating, stealing, etc.  My daughter has allienated herself from all family & friends, except her boyfriend (also an addict)and her using buddies.  She found someone to stay with for awhile.  She will exhaust all her options before she will agree to our conditions to come home.  At this point, I know it will take something really drastic for her to realize where she's going.  Sorry I don't have any answers for you.  I just wanted to offer my support and to let you know you're not alone.  Keep posting and reading.  There's alot of good suggestions on this board.
Another Mom

Someone's Mom,

I read your post and my heart just melted.  You sound so loving and caring and more than that.. an exceptional Mom.  You sound a lot like mine and it makes me feel so guilty for having my addiction that I am recovering from.

More than anything, I just wanted to tell you that I think you are wonderful and I want you to feel comfortable here with us.  Tomorrow when I have a bit more time, I am going to post on this thread again.

You take care of yourself too with all of this going on okay?  I will say some prayers for you and yours tonight.  Hang in there....
Hugs to you!

Yes, I'm also in that situation with my 30-y.o. son.  He finally went to rehab after losing his job and car, stealing from me, accumulating debt and multiple traffic tickets, and being at risk of arrest.  I still don't know if he realizes he has a problem, or is just trying to escape his legal troubles.  I try not to even think about it because I know I'll get too upset.  It's out of my hands now.  I'm trying to enjoy the time that he's safe and in rehab, because I'm afraid once he's out, his problems will land in my lap again.  I guess all I can say is, they need to WANT to stop, and we as parents need to stop enabling.  Sorry I can't write more....I'm literally drained of energy.

You guys are great - this is really helping me...your kind words and suggestions. She's been staying with her alcoholic father (you see, the plot thickens) who enables her while she was home this summer and every weekend since then, even though she's at college and should be enjoying her senior year, if she doesn't fail out this semester. She's asked to come home, to my house, for Thanksgiving. I would be on pins and needles the whole time....2 sisters are out of country so won't be here, so it's just my 19 year old son and I - he has the most influence over her (and is having a heart to heart with her today, I believe, as he finally admits she has a major problem here too - their colleges are only 30 minutes apart). Do I let her come home for Thanksgiving?

I feel your dilemma.  I, too, have struggled with the decision whether to invite my daughter to Thanksgiving.  I have decided not to. The whole family will be there and truthfully no one really wants to see her.  She has hurt everyone and I think it would be a very awkward situation.  On the other hand, if should show up, I don't think I could turn her away.  We will all have to deal with it.  She is my daughter, and I love her & miss her, I just don't like her a whole lot right now.  Hopefully some day that will change (when she's ready) and we can resume our relationship.  This will be the first time our family won't be together for the Holidays and it's really been hard for me to deal with.
I hope your son's talk with her goes well.  Let us all know how it goes.  Have you thought about maybe going to a Naranon meeting, possibly with your son?  I'm sure you would get some good suggestions on how to deal with your situation.
You take care, keep posting

We talked, cried, yelled, talked, cried and yelled some more on the phone today for about an hour. She swears she's not doing the drug and will go for a drug test that I organize - how long does it take for this to get out of her system? 2-3 days? If she knew when the appointment was (I was talking the Friday after Thanksgiving) could she clean up for a few days before? If she could do this, would it mean she wasn't hooked? argggg!!!!! Her brother just called and she had study classses (?) to go to tonight so it wasn't a good time for him to come over? but they talked on the phone about it all and he said she sounded OK and we should get her to spend Thanksgiving with us and see what happens...... see how she is/acts over a period of a few days.  I am just so confused....thanks for listening and responding.